More and Less

What is it about wanting more, but getting less that creates so much distress? And it's not just material objects that I'm talking about. Sometimes I just want more Love in my life. More Peace and more Understanding.

I'm still looking for the secret key that unlocks the barrier to balance and gratitude. Although I do think about that drive for Want. That isn't a bad thing. Creativity and learning and discovery are rooted in wanting to do and be more.

Something to seriously contemplate.

2016, What can I say...?

I thought I had asked the Universe to make 2016 epic... I should have been more specific. 2016 was an epic tragedy instead. I thought I had put it out there that great things were going to happen... I guess I did it wrong... Or did I?

The Universe has a plan... not always the one we want. Do I even have to give an example?! Ok, Trump.... Ya, him. He's our nation's "rock bottom" president... And maybe just the reality check we sorely needed.

What I mean by that is this, his being elected has brought to the surface all the deep dark underbelly thoughts harboring and festering in our society. Now that we know we have a serious problem, we can start to go about really fixing them... for real this time.

Ok, 2017.... let's do this. I intend to be the change for good in 2017.

Namaste.

Mental = Physical

Is your physical health directly linked to your mental health? Are the external stresses we experience on a daily basis playing a major role in how we feel? Yes, I believe it does. I am speaking from my personal experience from this past weekend.

I was "on call" with my work last weekend. From Friday night at midnight until Sunday night at midnight, I was expected to be available for escalations and urgent issues related to my work. Once 12:00 am passed Friday night...into Saturday morning, I was non-stop working. There was no sleep for me (of any real note) until Sunday night. Not only was I sleep deprived, but the stress from the actual work I was doing was very high. At one point, Saturday late afternoon, I was actually yelling at one of my customers because they were frustrating me to no end. Not only did they not really require my help, the help they were asking for wasn't technically help they should have been receiving from me. If they took the time to read the material available to them, they could have easily accomplished their goal.

At that point, I knew I had reached the end of my mental "rope." I felt defeated knowing that I allowed myself to get to that point. All the skills I have learned about letting go and communicating from a place of love went right out the window because of my shear exhaustion. But it just wasn't my mental health that was so hurt, my physical well being was also damaged.

Sunday night when I was attempting to just walk from one room to another, my back went out completely. Totally incapacitated. I do have an existing issue was some disks, so I often have back pain, but this was much worse than the usual ache and stiffness.

I tried to do my usual stretches and relaxation, but it didn't seem to help. By Monday morning, I was bedridden. It's been a very difficult week trying to recover. I firmly believe that the stress and exhaustion from my "on call" weekend directly caused my back to go out. I've not only had to suffer from the back pain, but also the residual effects such as constipation and upset stomach. Thankfully my husband has done a great job with helping me and taking care of our family. He's had to miss work himself in order to care for me.

But he even has his limits. This morning, I was starting to feel better and more mobile, but after my husband snapped at my daughter Casey for something I asked her to do, I felt bad again. My mental state turned angry and resentful and my back pain got worse. Now I feel sad. I feel painted into a corner with no way to escape. This one of those dark times that I must allow and know that it won't last. Although I know this to be true, it is still difficult. I often wish I could turn off my sensitivity to what's happening around me....block the energy that other people send out. I haven't gotten there yet.

I do know that the first step to feeling better is to forgive. I forgive my employer for demanding I work extra hours and I forgive my husband for losing his temper. And I forgive whatever the cause of my back pain is....

Asking the Universe

You have to let the Universe know what you need. And you have to let it know how grateful you are for what you already have. This is very important. But here's the thing, do you really know what you need? Or is it more just desire?

I learned in school some basics about "need." People need; food, clothing and shelter.

Is that it? I don't think so at all. Those items will get you through, but they alone are not enough. So what are the other basic needs then?

1. Love
2. Happiness
3. Fulfillment

There isn't a person born that doesn't need to be loved or want to be loved or to live without love. And we all want to feel happy. But I think the real challenge to human existence is fulfillment.

How do we get fulfillment out of life? This is where I think our modern lifestyle is failing us. If you turn on the television, all you see are ads showing you what you need to buy to feel better....cars, clothes, and prescription drugs. It's a lie. You are being lied to at every turn.

So, I challenge you to ask the Universe for Fulfillment. And you need to ask yourself what that means to you.

I'll start. Okay, Universe (The Source, God, The Higher Power) I ask you for inner peace, deep gratitude for all the abundance in my life and peace in our World. I ask that my family remain healthy and strong and continue to love learning and growing as beautiful people. I ask that I find more calm in my everyday. I ask for an abundance of wealth (wealth of spirit, grace, and comfort.) And Universe, I ask for some really specific items too; I ask for enough money to send my children to The Applewild School.   I ask for the Bank to review the mortgage refinance process and raise the appraisal amount of our house so that we can save extra money each month. I ask that my friends find a way to resolve their personal relationship struggles and find the true love they deserve. And finally, I ask that the good people of The United States of America find a way to elect the most genuine and worthy politician, Bernie Sanders, for our next President in November, 2016.

I send these requests out to the Universe and fully expect the Universe to deliver on them.

Thank you for all that is my life.

Namaste!
 

As time passes...

I have neglected to update my blog in a very long time. A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote anything. I had a personal set back that began in July 2015. Initially, it was a wonderful life event! I was pregnant again. My husband and I found out the day after our 10th Anniversary. We were excited and nervous. And for the first few weeks, everything went really well.

Then around the 8th week, I started to get really morning sick. And as the time went by, I was getting really ill. At 11 weeks, I had a scare with some bleeding, but the emergency room doctors assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I had nothing to be worried about.

When I followed up with my OB/GYN, things started to change.... The ultrasound detected something wrong with the amount of fluid around my baby. I decided to get the blood screening that detects chromosome issues and it came back that my baby had Downs Syndrome.  Although it wasn't the news I wanted to hear, it didn't change the fact that I wanted this baby and that SHE was already loved. My husband and I were going to love this little girl no matter what.

Well, I continued to get sicker... to the point I couldn't eat or drink anything without it coming back up. I was admitted to the hospital. It was a very rough time. I just wanted the nausea to stop! To add to the already difficult time, I received even more bad news. The ultra-sounds were showing that my baby was having more and more fluid building up.

I had two High Risk Specialist review the health of my baby.... And my health and they both determined that I was in grave risk of certain death... DEATH. ME..... Because of the health of my baby. Her lymph nodes were beginning to shut down and the doctors were concerned that my lymph nodes would start to do the same. It's called Mirror Syndrome. They were also concerned that I may start to suffer from Preeclampsia.

With this information, I was faced with the worst decision I would ever have to make. I would never have terminated my pregnancy in a million years... BUT, as my husband and doctors reminded me, I have two healthy and loving daughters that need their mother ALIVE... So, yes, with a heavy heart and a final ultrasound to make absolutely sure that there wasn't another chance... I decided to terminate my pregnancy.

Her name was Ashley Elizabeth. I have her cremated remains and her foot prints. That is all.

I'm still trying to recover, but it's going to be a long time. Her due date was April 5, 2016. She was only 15 weeks and 3 days when I had to say goodbye.

Sleepless night

Here I am, exhausted and yet I can't fall asleep. My mind has been racing lately. Thinking about our world. So many sad things in the news and almost everywhere I turn. And yet I know that most people are good and that most of us are just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Then why so much suffering? Why so many evil things going on? People killing, companies exploiting and polluting, governments keeping it's citizens down... It feels so hopeless and overwhelming at times. How can we survive as a planet with all this bad stuff? The answer is Love... But Love can be mysterious sometimes. Do we really know Love?

As a mother, I know the love that I have for my children. It's intense, boundless and painful all at the same time.

I love my husband because he's my other half. Some days I question how much I love him, but when I really think about it, I always come back to the same conclusion... He's my partner, friend, lover and father to my children. He's my family. That's love.

Do I love myself? I think we all question that. I love myself more now than I ever have, but is that enough? I question myself all the time. Am I being a good person? Am I doing a good job at work? Am I a good mother, wife, friend? Does anyone really love me?! (I know the answer is YES)

Allowing Love to be in my life was not as easy as you might think though. When I was a lot younger, I really didn't think I was lovable. And so I let people into my life that fed that belief. But deep down, I knew that wasn't right. I spent a long time climbing my way up to understanding that. And yet, on sleepless nights like tonight, I can still question my worth. Maybe this is just a way of revisiting and remembering and reminding myself that if I want to be loved, I have to give love.

Ying and Yang.
Give and take.
For every action, there is a reaction.

So, it comes down to making a deliberate decision. If Love is the most important something in the Universe, then I have to embrace it. Give love and be loved. Let go of all the reasons why I think I can't be loved. Let go of all the reasons why I think I can't love back.

Love without judgement.

If all the World could love without judgement, then I think Heaven would finally come to Earth.

It's been a long time.

When things are new and bright and simply amazing, there's a lot to say. Now that my experiences have sunk in emotionally and spiritually, there seems a bit less to go on about. It's part of my every day life now. And I am excited to say, that the Reiki practice room is FINALLY ready to receive people seeking healing services!

Some thoughts about life since I've started this journey;

Love and forgiveness are two of the most important things in the Universe.

Kindness is always a better choice.

Never give up on a dream. No matter what you feel or what others may say or think.

We all will die, so decide how you want to live each day. Anger and bitterness will not stop that.

I have a mantra I say every night and when I feel I need it;

"I forgive myself.

I forgive others who may have hurt me in the past.

I live in the Now, the Present.

Thank you Lord and Universe for all that is my life.

I am truly grateful."

Namaste