As time passes...

I have neglected to update my blog in a very long time. A lot of things have happened since the last time I wrote anything. I had a personal set back that began in July 2015. Initially, it was a wonderful life event! I was pregnant again. My husband and I found out the day after our 10th Anniversary. We were excited and nervous. And for the first few weeks, everything went really well.

Then around the 8th week, I started to get really morning sick. And as the time went by, I was getting really ill. At 11 weeks, I had a scare with some bleeding, but the emergency room doctors assured me that everything was going to be fine and that I had nothing to be worried about.

When I followed up with my OB/GYN, things started to change.... The ultrasound detected something wrong with the amount of fluid around my baby. I decided to get the blood screening that detects chromosome issues and it came back that my baby had Downs Syndrome.  Although it wasn't the news I wanted to hear, it didn't change the fact that I wanted this baby and that SHE was already loved. My husband and I were going to love this little girl no matter what.

Well, I continued to get sicker... to the point I couldn't eat or drink anything without it coming back up. I was admitted to the hospital. It was a very rough time. I just wanted the nausea to stop! To add to the already difficult time, I received even more bad news. The ultra-sounds were showing that my baby was having more and more fluid building up.

I had two High Risk Specialist review the health of my baby.... And my health and they both determined that I was in grave risk of certain death... DEATH. ME..... Because of the health of my baby. Her lymph nodes were beginning to shut down and the doctors were concerned that my lymph nodes would start to do the same. It's called Mirror Syndrome. They were also concerned that I may start to suffer from Preeclampsia.

With this information, I was faced with the worst decision I would ever have to make. I would never have terminated my pregnancy in a million years... BUT, as my husband and doctors reminded me, I have two healthy and loving daughters that need their mother ALIVE... So, yes, with a heavy heart and a final ultrasound to make absolutely sure that there wasn't another chance... I decided to terminate my pregnancy.

Her name was Ashley Elizabeth. I have her cremated remains and her foot prints. That is all.

I'm still trying to recover, but it's going to be a long time. Her due date was April 5, 2016. She was only 15 weeks and 3 days when I had to say goodbye.

Sleepless night

Here I am, exhausted and yet I can't fall asleep. My mind has been racing lately. Thinking about our world. So many sad things in the news and almost everywhere I turn. And yet I know that most people are good and that most of us are just trying to live our lives the best way we know how. Then why so much suffering? Why so many evil things going on? People killing, companies exploiting and polluting, governments keeping it's citizens down... It feels so hopeless and overwhelming at times. How can we survive as a planet with all this bad stuff? The answer is Love... But Love can be mysterious sometimes. Do we really know Love?

As a mother, I know the love that I have for my children. It's intense, boundless and painful all at the same time.

I love my husband because he's my other half. Some days I question how much I love him, but when I really think about it, I always come back to the same conclusion... He's my partner, friend, lover and father to my children. He's my family. That's love.

Do I love myself? I think we all question that. I love myself more now than I ever have, but is that enough? I question myself all the time. Am I being a good person? Am I doing a good job at work? Am I a good mother, wife, friend? Does anyone really love me?! (I know the answer is YES)

Allowing Love to be in my life was not as easy as you might think though. When I was a lot younger, I really didn't think I was lovable. And so I let people into my life that fed that belief. But deep down, I knew that wasn't right. I spent a long time climbing my way up to understanding that. And yet, on sleepless nights like tonight, I can still question my worth. Maybe this is just a way of revisiting and remembering and reminding myself that if I want to be loved, I have to give love.

Ying and Yang.
Give and take.
For every action, there is a reaction.

So, it comes down to making a deliberate decision. If Love is the most important something in the Universe, then I have to embrace it. Give love and be loved. Let go of all the reasons why I think I can't be loved. Let go of all the reasons why I think I can't love back.

Love without judgement.

If all the World could love without judgement, then I think Heaven would finally come to Earth.

It's been a long time.

When things are new and bright and simply amazing, there's a lot to say. Now that my experiences have sunk in emotionally and spiritually, there seems a bit less to go on about. It's part of my every day life now. And I am excited to say, that the Reiki practice room is FINALLY ready to receive people seeking healing services!

Some thoughts about life since I've started this journey;

Love and forgiveness are two of the most important things in the Universe.

Kindness is always a better choice.

Never give up on a dream. No matter what you feel or what others may say or think.

We all will die, so decide how you want to live each day. Anger and bitterness will not stop that.

I have a mantra I say every night and when I feel I need it;

"I forgive myself.

I forgive others who may have hurt me in the past.

I live in the Now, the Present.

Thank you Lord and Universe for all that is my life.

I am truly grateful."

Namaste

Amazing progress and so close!

So I asked...

I have a co-worker and friend from Morocco who is also Muslim. Morocco was once a French colony and there is still a lot of French influence there.

So after what's been in the news these last few days regarding the terrorist attacks in France, I asked my friend about his thoughts and feelings.

He was generous to pass along to me what was said in his Mosque today;

(We strongly condemn this brutal and cowardly attack and reiterate our repudiation of any such assault on freedom of speech, even speech that mocks faiths and religious figures. The proper response to such attacks on the freedoms we hold dear is not to vilify any faith, but instead to marginalize extremists of all backgrounds who seek to stifle freedom and to create or widen societal divisions.  "We offer sincere condolences to the families and loved ones of those killed or injured in this attack. We also call for the swift apprehension of the perpetrators, who should be punished to the full extent of the law." )

It is so important to understand that these acts of terrorism are conducted by terrorists, not people with love in their hearts. They are filled with hate and rage.

These people are not representative of any true loving God.

These people chose a path of destruction and violence.

These people have paid for those actions.

Our job is to continue to keep love in our hearts. Find a way to forgive and to teach our children, our friends and everyone we meet, that love is the truth. Love will win.

Namaste

The New Year

"What has 2015 in store for me?" That's a common question. But is it the right question? Living in the present does not allow for speculation like that. So perhaps the more beneficial question is; "what is my intent for today?"

If I set my intention for the day, every day, eventually they will create the year.

So, if I go back to the original question, "What has 2015 in store for me?" then I already now the answer. It is, what ever I intend.

SO, I will set my intention for today. "I intend to be grateful for all the bounty my life has and to act with love in all things."

Namaste

Some catching up to do!

It's been a while since I last updated my Blog. It's been very busy for me in a very good way. There has been progress on the Reiki studio and my "day job" has been improving daily.

What's prompted me to update the Blog just now was a wonderful conversation with a caller from the BBB looking to work my company. We talked about Reiki and what it means, where I'm at in my practice and then we talked about his wife an her back issues. I shared some of my experiences with back pain and recommended Harvard Therapeutic Massage at 280 Ayer Road, Harvard MA 
for acupuncture with Janice Perry and chiropractic with Dale Glow.

Acupuncture and chiropractic care go so well with Reiki. These three forms of healing are centered around allowing your body to heal itself.

So wonderful!

Namaste